*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
You Might Also Like
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.