Best spot.. 馃槄
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
ME: *exists*
KID: that鈥檚 not how mommy does it
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.馃檮
Me in the future: Son, you鈥檙e going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
@Lottie_Poppie I鈥檓 at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
BEACH BOYS: 馃幎 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 馃
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
don鈥檛 think i鈥檝e met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave