me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password