If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Best spot.. 😅
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.