Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Don’t make me out nice you.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.