think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy