Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
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If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I am a gravy boat captain
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
rise and shine we got egg
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.