One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
it must be school picture day
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?