A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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Damn he played himself
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me