my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
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I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.