Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
May never get over this
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*