What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
You Might Also Like
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
🤣😂🤣
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”