<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.