If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.