Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity