Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
LMAO.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.