if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“HELP WITH CAT”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.