Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Mission: Impossible
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
cat faces on other animals, a thread