Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
no!! no!!!!!!