[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head