It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
How to properly lift a body
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.