i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
When you let grandma cat sit
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam