A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit