how it started vs how it ended
You Might Also Like
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let鈥檚 hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I鈥檒l start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
i haven鈥檛 seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain鈥檛 right
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don鈥檛 really like grapes
Me: say no more
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I鈥檓 sorry, but I鈥檓 never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne鈥檚 father shouldn鈥檛 have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I鈥檓 super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it鈥檚 like a sleepover but without the sleep
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…馃槴馃槴馃槴
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Beyonc茅: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyonc茅: Coachella.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY