I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
You Might Also Like
I got soap in my shower beer again.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.