Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin