if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’m confused about plants
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.