Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough