I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
motivation
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
The Onion called it…again.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.