Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
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My inexpensive home security system…
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
this is so top tier i cant
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?