Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
You Might Also Like
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.