8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
my first dose meeting my second
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a