It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours