WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.