Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.