[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.