Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
bad news gang
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.