One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
as is their right
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.