Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
can’t catch a break
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL