my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
You Might Also Like
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!