I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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Lube but for my dry humor.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
me 2 months after i graduated
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
This meal prepping shit easy
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
This a good idea
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”