ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!