“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me driving through Toronto
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Seems kinda suspicious
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
RT if you could go either way.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed