Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
You Might Also Like
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.