Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*