If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
That’s fair
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.