If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
You Might Also Like
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Huge”.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink