I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.