[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
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“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I hope this email finds you in a well
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said