The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
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The news is so predictable nowadays
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head